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Posted by: Jack
« on: July 26, 2018, 05:10:58 am »

I thought I'd mention that we did have this hearing.  The boys mother did manage to show up for it.  The judge had a full report, including the times she's missed visitation and that she's not contributed anything in support. 

The kids don't know the final decision yet, and we decided to wait until this  Saturday (when we'll already be announcing the adoption for Marcus' kids) to let them know it's final, so we can celebrate them all together.

The judge ended up ending their mom's parental rights, though she does still have ordered visitation.  Basically he treated PJ and I like divorced parents, where both of us have custody, and we're supposed to split most decisions that effect the boys.
Posted by: Jack
« on: June 08, 2018, 04:18:48 am »

As I said, the adoption was mentioned to me a couple of weeks ago.  I contacted my family law attorney, who got the papers drawn up.  All four of us signed the necessary paperwork, and everything was filed with the family court.

Last night, I received an e-mail from the court clerk, and I wanted to share a few things with everyone.

1) While there is no problem with PJ's adoption, the court is working under the assumption that we want all cases resolved at the same time.  I checked with PJ, and we both agree with that.

2) The court has to confirm a few facts, but  it looks like there is no problem with terminating the father's parental rights (the State is already seeking him for non-payment of child support, and 'failure to support' is cause for termination of rights in itself).

3) The boys mother has not lost rights over the kids - she just turned custody over to PJ.  However, there are at least two legal justifications to terminate her rights (failure to support as well as endangering their safety through illegal actions when they were all arrested and PJ ended up with custody in the first place).  Because we aren't moving for termination, the judge wants her to appear at the hearing.

4) The boys are both old enough that the judge wants them to appear in court.

5) Because of the number of factors in this case, the judge is appointing a guardian ad litem to represent the boys interest.  We've been asked to make the boys available for a meeting with her next week.

6) I need to submit an affidavit as to why I want to adopt the boys, but they haven't been living with me full-time.

7) We did include a summary of our expected schedule this summer.  While we could change it if required, between camp, Independence Day, and our vacation trip, they have set our hearing for 9am on 16 July.  The e-mail indicated that, unless something unexpected happens, we should be able to handle everything at that point.
Posted by: Jack
« on: June 07, 2018, 05:05:11 am »

Quote from: Zyngaru on June 06, 2018, 04:39:13 pm
I say all of that to say this.  P.J. is still young.  I recommend to him to learn to be a hugger.  It will be difficult at first, but the rewards far outweigh the lose of space and comfort.  Now I am a regular hugger.  I don't want him to miss out on the closeness and warmth you feel towards someone in just a hug.  His brothers need him to show he loves them, not just telling them.  I so hope he learns to enjoy hugging.

I was kind of like you, in that I wasn't hugged a lot.  Part of that is because Satana used hugging and kissing as a weapon.  She knew I didn't like it, but the parents believed she only wanted to do it because 'she loved me', so they wouldn't make her stop, and I couldn't get away with hitting her for it.  I think it was because of the Church Youth Group that I got more comfortable with it.  To me, hugging has always been about showing affection, and I do think kids need to be shown that you care for them at least as much as they need to hear it. 

Having said that, PJ and I have already talked about this, once I realized that Jake and Ryan had noticed it.  He's still not comfortable, but I've seen him working on it, and I've also pointed out that a limited hug (chext bump while gripping hands, for instance) can do as much as a belly to belly hug in many cases.

Quote from: Journey on June 07, 2018, 04:45:43 am
Was anyone able to save the "Adult Adoption" thread from the old forum? That was one of my favorite posts, especially the part where one of your kids (JD?) changes his mind, calls you back, and asks to be adopted, too, in spite of all the paperwork needed with the military.

Yes, I think that was JD.  As far as I can find, that's not one of the threads we were able to save, though.

Quote from: Journey on June 07, 2018, 04:45:43 am
Do Ryan and Jake call you Dad? If not, do you think they'll start doing so?

Yes, they do.
Posted by: Journey
« on: June 07, 2018, 04:45:43 am »

That's so sweet! Congratulations, Jack. :)

Was anyone able to save the "Adult Adoption" thread from the old forum? That was one of my favorite posts, especially the part where one of your kids (JD?) changes his mind, calls you back, and asks to be adopted, too, in spite of all the paperwork needed with the military.

Do Ryan and Jake call you Dad? If not, do you think they'll start doing so?
Posted by: kalico
« on: June 06, 2018, 11:45:50 pm »

Aww that’s so sweet..... congratulations on your three newest Wells even if PJ has always been one of yours.
Hugs jack



Hugs kal
Posted by: db105
« on: June 06, 2018, 07:55:41 pm »

No wonder you were emotional after that.  :) You have had a positive impact on the life of many boys, and it's nice that they return  the affection.
Posted by: Zyngaru
« on: June 06, 2018, 04:39:13 pm »

Oh My.  That has to be the sweetest thing I have read in a long time.  I feel so happy for the four of you.  Are you going to have an adoption party?  I so hope you do.  It really means a lot to a kid when he officially has family.  We did that with the boy my nephew adopted.  I even made him a Genealogy Tree, so at any time he can glance at it and see where he fits into his new family.


Something you can share with P.J. if you wish.  I was brought up in a touch me not family.  My dad was a tough Marine who would never hug.  My mom was raised among molesters.  She had to protect herself from them so she grew up not liking being touched.  Thus I wasn't hugged very often.  Then hugging became too personal and an invasion of my space, so I didn't hug.  A couple decades later I got a job driving a tour/charter bus.  Most of the tours I drove for were silver hairs.  Old people.  But most of the charters I drove for were youth groups., scouts, school bands, choirs, class trips and such.  After a couple trips with the same kids, they adopt you and next thing I know I am being hugged right and left.  At first I caught myself pushing them away, trying to keep the kids at arms length.  But that is just rude.  So I had to train/teach myself to hug.  Now I am a hugger.  But it took a concentrated effort to get over the lose of personal space.

I say all of that to say this.  P.J. is still young.  I recommend to him to learn to be a hugger.  It will be difficult at first, but the rewards far outweigh the lose of space and comfort.  Now I am a regular hugger.  I don't want him to miss out on the closeness and warmth you feel towards someone in just a hug.  His brothers need him to show he loves them, not just telling them.  I so hope he learns to enjoy hugging.

Posted by: Jack
« on: June 06, 2018, 03:26:28 pm »

Let me start by saying that it's becoming difficult to easily identify which 'Ryan', I'm discussing.  While it's probably easy to tell if i'm talking about an adult or kid, and I'm not often going to mention my adult son, Ryan, and my cousin, Ryan, in ways that would be confused.  I've decided it will be easiest and most helpful if I start talking about my younger son, Ryan as Ryan Tucker.  If you see me forgetting it, try to remind me - it will probably take a while to get into the habit.

About a month ago, I mentioned that Jake was feeling a bit unloved (or at least unwanted) because he and Ryan Tucker were having to move back and forth two or three times a week.  I guess when you consider that PJ had already taken over custody of them from their mom, that's kind of understandable.

PJ and I have both talked to the boys a couple of times.  We've both explained why they spend some nights over here - both because of PJ's work and because he does need some adult time; but they also understand that he loves them and wants them around.

I have found out that part of the trouble is that PJ is not a very 'huggy' person.  I'm used to PJ, and I'm used to taking people as they come.  If someone makes it clear they aren't comfortable with contact, I certainly don't force it on them.  In the case of Jake and Ryan Tucker, they see me, Chris, Marcus, and even some of my friends like Dean Marchant, all of whom are comfortable with hugging our kids and even each other.  PJ - I'm sure largely because of his situation in his teens - isn't comfortable with it.  However, while an adult understands that some people are raised different or have different comfort levels, that's the type of thing that can leave a child feeling unloved.

Between making sure they understood why they were going back and forth (because they're wanted at both homes, not neither), and with PJ talking a bit about how he was raised and making more of an effort to touch them and hug them occasionally, both of them seem to be feeling better about things.

PJ informed me of a discussion he had with Jake and Ryan a couple of weekends ago (about 26 May?).  He apparently took to heart the discussion I had with him about how the boys feel about going back and forth.  Remember that PJ has complete custody of Ryan Tucker and Jake, because their mother gave it to him when she'd been arrested, and because their father hasnt' been around for years.  From what I understand, there were several years when he was supposed to be paying child support and wasn't, so his mom was collecting welfare.  Texas takes deadbeat parents seriously, and they have him on a list to garnish wages, but - even by tracking his Social Security  Number, they can't find him working anyplace.  They also have warrants out for his arrest at this point.

Finally, let me remind you that PJ changed his name to Wells, when he turned 18.  However, continuing his fear of commitment, when we found out about adult adoption, and I offered to adopt all my boys who hadn't been adopted as children, PJ decided everything was fine like it was.

So, that night, PJ sat down and had a serious talk with the boys about if it bothered them that their last name was different from ours.  When they kind of shrugged, he asked them how they'd feel about being legally adopted.

"So you'd be our dad?' Ryan Tucker asked, apparently a bit shocked by the idea.

"No, actually I was thinking about asking Jack if he'd do it."

So Sunday, he did ask me.

"You want me to adopt your little brothers?" I asked to make sure we were clear.

"No," he told me.  "I want you to adopt all three of us."

I hoped I'd waited long enough to share this, but I'm having a little trouble seeing right now.  I'll just say that I happily answered yes, and we've now started the paperwork.

Posted by: Jack
« on: May 24, 2018, 03:55:40 am »

Quote from: Zyngaru on May 23, 2018, 10:13:25 pm
Quote from: Jack on May 23, 2018, 04:58:10 pm
Sorry Zyngaru, but it seems like there was nothing else,  and this wasn't really that long term a thing.  Which is a good thing.  It is going to lower his grade a bit, since the 'checks' she gives on spelling homework add up to an extra grade each week, but he did fine the first two six weeks, and he did sometimes complete the work in class, so it's not like he's getting all zeroes.

I'm not sorry.  I am happy that there isn't anything else.  Shows he hasn't formed a habit yet.

That's a very important point.  It's why I true to supervise closely without being really intrusive.  Of course, with Ryan and Jake, it's kind of a different situation.  It's only since they've been living with PJ since they really started developing good study skills, so we're trying to help them maintain those habits.

The worst thing for Jake is that I'm the one who caught him, so he had to tell PJ what had happened.  I'd already warned PJ, so he knew not to make a huge deal bout it or to berate Jake too much; but you could see how much his big brother's good opinion means to the boy.
Posted by: Zyngaru
« on: May 23, 2018, 10:13:25 pm »

Quote from: Jack on May 23, 2018, 04:58:10 pm
Sorry Zyngaru, but it seems like there was nothing else,  and this wasn't really that long term a thing.  Which is a good thing.  It is going to lower his grade a bit, since the 'checks' she gives on spelling homework add up to an extra grade each week, but he did fine the first two six weeks, and he did sometimes complete the work in class, so it's not like he's getting all zeroes.

I'm not sorry.  I am happy that there isn't anything else.  Shows he hasn't formed a habit yet.
Posted by: Jack
« on: May 23, 2018, 04:58:10 pm »

Sorry Zyngaru, but it seems like there was nothing else,  and this wasn't really that long term a thing.  Which is a good thing.  It is going to lower his grade a bit, since the 'checks' she gives on spelling homework add up to an extra grade each week, but he did fine the first two six weeks, and he did sometimes complete the work in class, so it's not like he's getting all zeroes.

Adric, I'm not sure how much tracking you're really talking about.  A lot of it is me trying to keep up with things, simply because I have so many kids.  And a lot of it is possible because the internet does allow teachers to post things online more easily than they used to post (and average) them in their grade books.
Posted by: Adric
« on: May 23, 2018, 02:45:26 pm »

I think it is interesting that homework is now tracked and monitored in such detail.  I don't think that my parents ever had any direct knowledge of what my homework was or whether I was doing it.  I always did, but the only way they would have known would be by the grades on my report card or by asking me or by looking up the teachers and asking them.  Of course there was no internet or e-mail either, and I assume that makes all the difference.
Posted by: Zyngaru
« on: May 23, 2018, 12:50:59 pm »

I am hoping for Jake's sake that nothing else is discovered during your meeting with his teacher. 

BUT?  I for one am expecting something else to come to light.  Not because I think Jake deserves more correction, but because he has gotten away with this for a lengthy time and thus he (might) have tried getting away with other things in class because of it.  Or possibly with other teachers.  I sure hope not.
Posted by: Jack
« on: May 23, 2018, 04:42:38 am »

Jake got his little butt worn out last night.

As you can imagine, with the end of school coming fast, I've been following up a bit more on homework and grades.

Jake had an I (incomplete) on his teacher's online grade book.  He swore he'd finished it, so I asked to see it.  I don't know how he's gotten away with it so long, but his backpack is a disaster area, so I suggested we clean it out.

As soon as I said it, I knew there was a problem.  Remember having something covered up or hid, and your mom decided it would be a good idea to clean that specific thing up?  Remember rushing to distract her or move/hide it before she figured it out?  I certainly do, and I never realized how much that spotlighted what I wanted to hide until I had kids.

The bottom of Jake's pack had just loose papers shoved down there, and it turns out that many of them were incomplete spelling homework.  The thing is, their spelling homework gets checks, not grades. 

He had completed the paper that had started everything, so I need to double check that with the teacher and sent her an e-mail about it, so that was off the table.

Jake claims he thought it was okay to not do all his spelling assignments, because they weren't graded.  If it had stopped there, I might have had a long talk with him and let it go.  However, there was also the fact that I could look at his homework folder and show he's been marking it complete when it really wasn't, which is a spanking offense in and of itself.  However, there's also the point that I know he's lied to me, and I'm pretty sure he'd been lying to PJ - not just once, but repeatedly.  Even if he thought it was okay to not finish that homework, he had still been telling both of us that he had finished all of his homework.  He tried to argue semantics on it.  I made it very clear to him that I wasn't buying it.   I informed him that I wasn't going to spank for the lie, but I also made my expectations for honesty clear - finishing and not needing to finish are not the same things, especially when he knew I would have required him to finish the spelling homework whether it was graded or not.

We'd been spread out in my office, where we could work without getting in someone else's way.  At that point, I had him get up and go shut the door.  By the time he turned around, I'd moved to the spanking chair and was getting the Tailblazer.

He was not happy about that.  He tried begging, but he had already knew he was in for it.  He had already admitted that the teacher had never said they didnt' have to finish them, and that he knew PJ and I would both have made him finish, so I explained to him that I was most upset about the prolonged nature of his dishonesty (including marking it finished in his homework folder when he hadn't).

We got him out of his shorts and undies, then I wore his butt out.  I had told him that I wouldn't be spanking if this was just a once or twice thing, but because it was frequent and prolonged, he was in real trouble.  Jake is 12, but just barely beginning to show signs of adolescence, so I thought the Tailblazer was going to do a fine job, but he did get a full deluxe, and he was bawling and shrieking loud and hard well before I was finished.  When he was through, I held him for a bit, then had him finish straightening up his backpack.

When he was through with that, he was ready to put his boxers back on.  I then gathered him back into my lap, and I explained to him that the consequences were over, but that there were still results he would have to deal with, and that he was going to be on a zero tolerance/daily homework check the rest of this year (less than two weeks now), and that PJ and I would be keeping a much closer watch on him at the start of next year - not as punishment, but so we could help him if he needed it.

I have a meeting with his teacher after school today to see what else results from this.
Posted by: Adric
« on: May 03, 2018, 01:27:10 pm »

Quote from: Jack on May 03, 2018, 12:58:58 pm
However, I also let him know that I was willing to let him wait in the office, by himself and with nothing to do, as long as he wanted, until he was ready to take it.

That seems like a good way to handle the situation - much better than a show of force.